sometimes i think of it as a boulder that fell on top of me on an otherwise uneventful morning. other times i think of it as waves, that come crashing whenever i experience a moment of numbness.

i am a very visual person. if i can visualize something, it makes sense to me. for the past two months, ive been trying to make sense of the intense grief i have been dealing with.

it feels weird to keep thinking about everything else that happened before i got the call. as if the banality of my morning will somehow explain or help me live with the loss. i go over my memories of that day again and again. what time i got up that morning, if i had tea or coffee, what was i working on at my desk when the phone rang, how long it took me to understand what had happened ...

i go over these details when i tell the story to friends, colleagues, strangers on twitter. as if understanding just how normal the morning was, will make them or me wrap my head around the intensity of what happened and how it changed my life.

every time in the past 2 months ive tried to think or talk about what exactly happened, i start from the beginning and go over every single detail. to the listener it might seem like i am trying to relive the day or that moment but the truth is that i have been stuck in that moment ever since. it has been playing on a loop and i go through every single motion again and again and again.

sort of like this GIF from the avengers endgame. except that in my head tilda swinton is what grief looks like.

bear with me as i try to make sense of this. if i am able to visualize this, maybe i will be able to live with it also.

this is what i think grieving looks like. you turn into something else (a giant green man in this case), add layers to yourself, become stronger or at least you think that you are strong enough, try to go through the day, do all the things you usually do - wake up, brush your teeth, have coffee, take a shower, work... - and then out of nowhere it hits you. boom! and you are back again in that moment. you are answering the phone call again. hearing the words for the first time, again. feeling a whirlwind of emotions for the 1000th time till everything around you becomes still.

on somedays it feels like a wave crashing into you, on others it is like a boulder is on top of you and you cant move and sometimes it is like watching the life getting knocked out of you.

i wish i could stop the world from spinning, people from moving on. why cant they just stop and give me a moment? it makes me so angry. just stop for a moment and acknowledge what has happened. give me a moment to take a deep breath - something i havent been able to do in almost two months now.

or just stop me from getting sucked back into time.